Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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