I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
