She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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