Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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