I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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