He kissed a someone with a penis
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
