I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
