if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
