Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize