I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
