Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
