I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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