My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
where are my eyebrows?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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