Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
