and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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