Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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