her vagine was all disorganized.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize