dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
