I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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