So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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