My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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