and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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