Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
