So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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