i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize