So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
