I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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