My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
