i think i have herpe
just one?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
