there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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