I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
