I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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