I need to stop coming to work sober
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
