I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
