my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
