a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
