life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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