the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize