Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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