No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
