If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
