Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
