Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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