I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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