did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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