I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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