I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
