I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
