Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
