I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
