Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
