U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
