My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
