Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
