So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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