i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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