Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
