Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Green mimosas i think yes
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
