I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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