You really coming over, don't trick.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
barbara walters just said penis...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Randomize
