i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
