So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
