'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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