apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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