my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
