Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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