I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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