and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize