Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
